One Letter To End Them All

***NOT SUICIDAL***

To those of you know have known me for years, you would know I am a major depressive who has struggled for years to find the right SSRI to make me act and handle situations like a normal human being.

For those of you who just met me, welcome to my crazy train, and I am sure we met because we are more alike than we know. Either way, here is something I never thought I would share with the world.

Before you ask why, or when, just be open minded, and read to the bottom. Yes, I cried, and you will too. That's why we are here together, and that is why I am sharing this. Well friend, here goes nothing.

Here is my suicide note.

         Dear mom and dad, I'm sorry for drunk driving and lying to you. I am sorry for making you worry. I love you guys more than anything or one in the world and you guys make me so happy. I wish I wasn't depressed. I wish I had finished college the way I planned, and gotten scholarships. I wish I had been the star and the honor student I planned to be all throughout school. I wish I wasn't moving further and further away from my goals in life.
         Dear family, I love you too. You mean a lot to me, but you also make me question myself. It is sometimes good but also makes me feel like I am making mistakes. I am an adult and can do what I want... Right? I don't know anymore... Maybe I can't do this. Any ways, please know that I am always trying. I always tried.
        Dear friends, thank you for supporting me, for loving me and leaving me. I grew and fell when I needed to. But in the end it wasn't enough. It was no one's fault but mine. I can't handle loving other people when I can't even love myself. No one can give and not take. I took toxicity, and gave my love. And in turn I have become my worst enemy. I am sorry, and I love you.
       To My Love, you have cradled me and supported me in ways that are unknown to the public eye. You listened to every panicked moment, and every tear. You let me cry into your chest, and yell at you when you were drunk with stress or sleep. You are my world, and my future. You are butterflies in my stomach and the courage that makes me get out of bed. I am sorry, and I love you more.
       In the end of things, I can't do it. I can't pretend I am happy, or hold back tears on my best days. I can't pretend I feel motivated or that death doesn't coax me. I want it, and dream about it, like a child dreams about being a superhero. I feel empty, hopeless. I feel ended. I feel MY end.

I am sorry, and I am not sorry. The truth is in the end, I won't be here for you to judge me for my decisions. I don't care anyway.
-SCP

My suicide note was written a long time ago, and I didn't memorize it, nor did I intend on actually carrying it out. But death does come across my mind. No person who is depressed doesn't think about it. No person doesn't think about it. I typed this because I felt like this would help me heal. And cope with my depression. I am not here for pity, or people to judge me and give me advice. This is my blog for me to air whatever feelings I have.

***I DO NOT PLAN ON ACTING ON THIS. CALM YOUR BALLS***

The Scrumptious Soliloquies of Fall

Lately I have been feeling a lack of inspiration to write.

Honestly I have been lacking inspiration in many things.

This election year has been taxing on so many beliefs, relationships, and political opinions.

It has also ruined relationships, hopes, and the country seems to be in a state of low-key hysteria.

The first day after the elections were over, I instantly realized how hateful people can be. I still lose sleep over the sadness whirling inside me. People I never talk to, attacking me and my family over beliefs and opinions that involve only ourselves.

I DESPISE THIS. This world has suddenly become the opposite of everything we stood for. We are racist, discriminatory, gender biased assholes who think if the leader can get away with something the media talked about one time, then "So can I!"

Well here is a reality check. I am a person. You all know me, and have known me for years. I am also a person who is Bisexual, medically disabled, and mentally unstable. Everything I am reading about is tearing me apart.

The fact that so many people are taking their opinions, hate, and beliefs and projecting them onto undeserving victims is stomach churning.

What happened to America, where we all loved each other and fought for equality, and rights for everyone? Does that not exist anymore? For those of you who are on my Facebook and have said hateful things to people who voted for Hillary or Trump, unfriend me now.

Shallow opinions are welcome but will not be tolerated. I want everyone to know that even in this world of indecisiveness, There are people who are safe places. Heard of the Safety pin project? I stand for it.

I stand for women, men, children, non binaries, pansexuals, and everyone in-between! I want you to know that all I want in this world like many others, is to make the world a better place with love and caring for others. I have nothing but love and feelings to give, so why not take them? Exactly.

Please love one another, Please remember what is truly important, and PLEASE spread love not hate, and never say something to someone unless it could stand as the last thing you said.

I love you all so so so much. XOXOXO