Well hello my friendly people,
You all probably wondered where I had gone.
Truthfully, I wondered it too. I still do every now and then. Sometimes I still look in the mirror and wonder if that really is me who is standing right there.
A little over one month ago I lost one of the most important and influential people in my life. One of my best friends. And it tore my life apart. I can still remember the phone call I got and the words that I could not believe.
Ever since that moment I have been struggling to keep whatever pieces of me dangling together, and let me be honest with you I am doing the worst job at it. I used to be this strong, independent person and now I feel like the weakest of them all.
Our community and friends are like pins in bowling and the ball came in like a tornado, fast and unforgiving.
And truthfully I feel like I am unable to handle anything else that comes along. So much has happened lately, and I have not handled it well, though I have been told I am taking it all very well.
And maybe that is what they all see from the outside, but I have never been more broken. I never knew what hitting rock bottom felt like until May came around. I have had so many days where I felt like I would be so much happier if I just didn't feel at all. If my life came to an end.
There were times where I almost drove off the side of the road because I had no feeling anymore.
But then I read as I was randomly googling one night, this suicide blog, and it was a person just talking to me like I was a unique person they knew. And they said something that really stuck with me.
People commit suicide or think about it because they think it would give them relief, (which is so true, that has gone through my mind so much this month). But if you are dead, you can't feel anything. And you don't know what happens after, and that is scarier then feeling these awful feelings because at least you are in control.
And that is so true. That has been in my mind ever since I read it. Also, it doesn't just effect you. It effects everyone who cares about you.
I made a list of everyone it would hurt that I would feel bad about it, and that guilt kept me from it.
The other thing that kept me from it was every time I had feelings like that I would tell someone that I trusted to just listen, and get it all out, so it wasn't just trapped inside my head.
If there is one thing I have learned throughout this still ongoing experience, is that if you keep things inside your head, they just get worse, and make you feel crazy, but if you get them out and talk about them or write them down you will always feel better. So talk about it or write it down and burn it or whatever. I swear by it!
In this last month, I have lost someone so special, lost a love then stuck around, been sexually harassed, dealt with anxiety and depression and bills and a boss who verbally harasses everyone on our staff.
But I make it work. And yes I have to take an antidepressant but it's because I cannot function without it, and I am for serotonin inhibitors if they work for people!
My main reason for putting this up is that you all aren't alone. And if you ever need an ear, I am hear, and I will listen, because I know what it is like to just want a listening wall.
Here is the website, I suggest a good read when you're having a bad day, this one is saved to my homepage, with some others, but it is my favorite :-)
http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/
Good luck my sheaps <3
-Loved and Enough
No comments:
Post a Comment