In The Name of Love

What would you do in the name of Love? Would you turn back time, or do whatever you can at any lengths for someone? I am asking about family, friends, lovers, any of them.

I read a poem going across Facebook right now,

http://thoughtcatalog.com/holly-riordan/2016/06/my-world-would-be-so-different-if-you-were-still-alive/

and thought about how this really hit home for me. And I decided to try another form of grieving, since I still relive parts of this month, and since moving from home things have been a little harder, dealing with ghosted guilt and regrets.

Here is the story of the day I lost one of the brightest lights in my sky.

May 6th 2015 I went into Portland in the morning, hoping to work out then hang with my boyfriend who had spent a couple days at the beach. I was upset that he had dropped off the face of the earth and at the time was sure he was seeing someone else. So I got up at 8 am and drove into my college campus where I had free access to an entire gym. I was convinced I would have the best day while starting out my day with working out, and hopefully run into my boyfriend on my way out of town.

After finishing my workout I headed home still bummed that I hadn't seen my man but also in a better and more positive mood. I figured he just needed to get away and that I was beginning to project my worries into a false reality.
I got home and immediately my phone rang. It was my best friend Emily. "Hey, can you sit down?" I asked her what was wrong and if she was okay, "I am fine. Umm. It's Kerrigan, she- She passed away."

I will never forget that moment. I didn't believe her. I couldn't. What do you mean? I asked. What happened? she started rambling on while crying hysterically and I couldn't hear much. "I'll call you back okay? Don't tell anyone yet." She hung up. I was still holding the dead phone to my ear as things started to form into sentences in my head. I started crying hysterically. My dad walked in started talking about something, I don't remember now, but he stopped and asked me what was wrong when he could see me crying. It took me ten whole minutes to tell him what happened. I think I might have texted it. I couldn't even say her name. We just sat in silence and cried.

After he went back to work I drove to my old high school where my other best friend Brette's little brother was still in class. Him and Kerrigan were really close. I called him but he was already home. We talked for awhile, and after I was sure he would be okay for the moment, I immediately texted Brette's mom, because she was in class still. Her mom had gone to get her and tell her before anyone else posted on social media or texted her.

I sat in the counseling office for hours. I couldn't function. I didn't feel like me. I couldn't imagine someone I had just talked to days before not being in my world anymore. Or anyones. I called and texted her, asking if this was real, telling her to tell me she was okay. Inside I knew I would never get a reply. For months I still called, still texted. One day I called and the number had been put out of service. That was hard. I still remember this day every day like it happened yesterday.

I still remember being so hurt because my boyfriend didn't ask me to come over until a mutual friend messaged him and told him I needed to be with someone. I drank wine that night and didn't sleep a wink. Writing this really made me relive this experience. And at some points I couldn't remember things I could before. I'll look at that as a phase of moving on. She visits me in my dreams and I see her in one of our friends every single day. Even if she isn't physically here, she is here in all of the lives she has touched. Love you K.

Dedicated to Kerrigan Taylor Clark, 1998-2015

Aaaaaaaaand... We're Live!

So I was hoping to do a live session of blogging with you guys. Because I know that it would be so fun to have you guys ask questions, and just kind of chat back and forth about things. I am always interested in what you guys have to say!

Let me know what you think!

Today I am pensive about boundaries. In all capacities. Where the line becomes a brick wall, or where it mixes dangerously into a cocktail of fear, suddenly making the brick wall open to the edge of a cliff looking down into a dark abyss.  Sounds almost like teen angst right? Well, guess what, boundaries are personal, and are nothing to joke about. So sit down, get ready to be uncomfortable, and let's begin.

I was at work today, and during a slower portion of my shift, I noticed a young woman and a man hug,  obviously recognizing each other. The man went on to tell the woman how fit she looked, and how much skinnier she looked than the last time he had seen her. The woman said thank you and tried to walk up to the counter to order.

He continued, either not sensing her being finished with their interaction, or not caring, and wanting to shine more of a light on her appearance, followed up with, "You look much more-more in shape! So much fitter!" To this, she just uncomfortably nodded, and I could feel the tension from across the counter. I knew I couldn't say anything, as it wasn't my place, also during work hours, but I was appalled that this man thought that since he knew this woman that he could subtly objectify her, and talk about her body, when she was more than visibly uncomfortable.

That is what made me want to write this. I like to believe that I don't force my opinions on people, or that I enlighten people, but something told me today that this subject needed to be put into a spotlight. Objectifying is NEVER okay. I mean talking about someone, looking at them, etc. I won't drive this into the ground, but no one is entitled to another person's ANYTHING. EVER.

Two summers ago I went out on a boat with three girls, and eight to ten guys. I was invited by a guy who asked me on a date, and since I was fresh from a breakup, I was in my rebound phase and said yes. As soon as I got on that boat at ten in the morning, I was handed a tequila sunrise, then immediately following that I had my boobs grabbed, my butt touched by the same sweet person I had gone on a short coffee date the day before. I was betrayed. All of a sudden the person I trusted at work and alone was calling me babe and kissing me, and asking me to sit on his lap.

Boundaries. He did not respect my boundaries and because of previous experiences like that, I still have moments where I ask David to not touch me, and he respects me because he knows what it means to have those boundaries, or to stop when someone asks or says no.

This is such an important subject to me because too many people have to experience rape, molestation, objectification, and it's because boundaries aren't respected and we aren't comfortable or able to establish them. Or we think we trust the person we are with, but often end up wrong. But don't lose faith, I am not trying to be a cynic. Not everyone is awful, I am not saying don't trust anyone, just guard yourself.

Every single one of you is important to me. I have been through things I have been scarred by, that still give me nightmares, and that I never want you to go through. Which is why I blog about things that are uncomfortable or are borderline redundant.

If there is one takeaway from this, it would be just please be careful, think things through, and always make sure you establish boundaries and make sure that anyone you're with can always respect you. Whether it is you saying no to tea, or no to you taking your shirt off. That is the most important thing in the world.

I love you all, have a wonderful night, XOXOX

No Ragerts

I read this story the other day about a girl who married her high school sweetheart, and didn't go to college, but she did move to the base her husband lived on. She ended up broke and unhappy, living in a town where she connected with no one. After a year she finally realized she was too young and they divorced. 19 and divorced. Imagine that.

I can't imagine what it would be like to ignore everything that made me happy just to make someone else happy. I mean I moved across the coast for a boy, but it was for me too. And I have made my life here and continue to make this my home. I think why this story sticks with me so much is because I believe that so many of us jump into things too quickly, or without thinking things through. Or maybe we just think that it is the best thing, that other people will be happy, so it must make us happy in the end.

It is sad in a way, but also in another way it is also really okay. Because you live and learn. Your twenties are your time to explore and make mistakes. To move to new places, learn new languages or date different people. I sound hypocritical because I didn't really do much before moving in with a guy but there are old souls out there who like boring lives. Not to say I am boring because believe me, I like to be crazy too.

But to me it is so so important to make sure every day that you think, "What could get better than this?" I am extremely lucky to say that every night, cuddling my boyfriend and dog. I mean sure any moment I could be single or something tragic could happen, let's be realists, but are we going to dwell on it and worry about things we can't control? NO

If you can't control it, don't worry about it. Simple (Yeah right) as that. Hard rule to live by, but try to make it a motto.

Another really important thing I wanted to talk to you guys about is relationships.

I know they're hard, or can be difficult at times, but that's life. No one gets the perfect marriage. And if you do, then good for you! I wish you the best.
About a year ago, I flew to Chicago, and visited my sister when I thought my entire life was falling apart. "Relationships are always easy. They shouldn't be hard." At the time I hated hearing it. Because I had just broken up with the love of my life, my heart was shattered. I was depressed, suicidal, and wanted to die. I was convinced that no one would ever love just me. First loves take a huge toll on you. That is for damn sure. And make no mistake that my entire last summer still haunts me some days.

But now that I think of that, and sorry sis, but I know you don't think that anymore. Relationships shouldn't be battle after battle, or an entire war. But relationships are difficult because you are always working with each other to make things better. "Communication is key." Remember that saying? Well it's true as can be, and I don't know a single night when I bottled things up so much that I ended up getting us into a fit of "bickering" that didn't need to happen if we just communicated.

I've always counted David and I lucky that we don't really fight. We bicker, or disagree, but arguing or fighting has happened twice over the year and a half we have known each other. I think that is pretty damn good if you ask me. I am not one to give away things from my private life, but I can boast about that. I have a healthy relationship and a safe and trusting, supportive man by my side.

So my message to you is this: No matter what happens in life, remember to always put you first. David told me that a while ago when I had no one. "Put you first, always." And from that day on I did. I smile more, and laugh more, and I don't feel bad about it. This is your life, not someone else's. I'm not saying don't open doors, or pay it forward. No, still try to be good to others, but don't put others before you, or their happiness before you if it will hurt you and your happiness. Make sense?

Sorry I haven't blogged much, I promise to more, hopefully I can add more to this one and add another one tomorrow. Anyways, I love you all and will see you soon. Remember to give yourself a gift. And fall is here! Get the sweaters out!
XOXOX

To An Inevitable End We All Go

This Blog will be a little different.

This week marks the second month I will have fully lived in Syracuse. Readjusting is not easy. But let me also tell you the other thing that isn't easy.

Being alone, and starting over. I know I have talked about it before, but it is about to get real.

I love to tell anyone and everyone about how I have the most supportive counterpart ever. Because I do, he is SO amazing. I don't even have to tell him when I am upset, he just knows. And whether it is a call, or an "I love you!" text, he always makes sure I know that he is there for me whenever I need him.

He is my safety net and my best friend. I am madly in love with him and so thankful to have him by my side, and I hope that I can always support him the way he does me.

But the other side of things, when he is at work, or out with friends, or even just in the other room, is the looming loneliness that I always have with me, knowing that I am thousands of miles away from everyone I love. Now don't let this fool you, it sucks so bad, and for the longest time, I cried and cried, and called my dad, then my mom, and lost sleep. Because it sucks to leave your comfort zone, and start over in a new place where everyone has known each other since they were kids.

But guess what? That's exactly what people feel like coming from other places to where I am from. So that makes me feel so much better. But also, a thing that I really miss is hugs. Human contact. The only friends I have made here so far are David's friends and family. Which is awesome because I love them all, but I want to make my own new friends and feel like I have a special external connection here that isn't solely linked to my boyfriend.

Which leads me to another horrible topic. Making new friends in a new place is HARD. Especially when you don't know the areas, or where is and isn't safe. Also, when you don't have a car. These things make it difficult.

Facetiming my best friend every day also makes me miss her more and more. One of the things I am going to do when I get back home to visit, is hug her, because I miss the crap out of her beautiful face!

So this is what it has been like, transitioning from one coast to the other. Today is a short one, because I am a little sad, and I am currently homesick.

See you all soon.
XOXOX

If I Could Write A Letter To Me

Hey You,

Remember that Covergirl eyeshadow palette you love? With the four, bright colors you wear every day? Wear them. Express yourself. You should join a sport, or club though, hanging around school after it is out should only be for obligatory reasons, trust me.

Remember Matt Blaser? Yeah, he's cool, but really you won't be into him. And I am glad you didn't get the nerve to kiss him after that football game. Good job. You'll meet a few great guys in high school. Take it slow, let it happen. Trust yourself. The right guy will come. You sleep next to him every night.

And about those girls who bully you, don't hurt yourself, or eat your feelings. Remember that behind every bully there is an insecurity. Kill them with kindness. Remember to love yourself and smile every day.

I know you don't like your body, but whatever you don't like, either change it or embrace it. Your family and friends love you, so don't change unless it's YOUR reason.

And last but not least, hug Kerrigan. Talk to her every day, cherish her. One day the people who are the brightest, kindest, and most inspiring won't be there to be that light anymore.

Don't take anything for granted. Be strong. Be outgoing. Take chances.

I love you, and good luck. See you in the mirror.

-You

If you have ever said, "if only I could have written myself a letter" or, "If I had only known" This is what mine looks like. I encourage you to sit down, and think. Really think about what you would tell your younger self. Would you tell your younger self not to wear leg warmers? Or would you skate over that one because you want to be expressive? This opened my eyes about my past self, who I am now, who I will become in the future, and who I want my children to be.

So please, comment your letters, put them in your facebook. Put them on my facebook page. But please post them. Love you all, see you soon.

XOXOX

Writing Over The Rainbow

It has now been just over six weeks since I officially became a resident of New York.
It is still hard for me to realize that I am not home, or going to go home.

Also, the weather is more intense and unpredictable.

I have gotten into a routine, being that I don't currently have a job.

I get up, make coffee, check my social media sites and emails, eat some sort of breakfast and clean up. Then I continue on to cleaning the house, showering and getting dressed so I can perform any tasks I am meant to throughout the day. I also try to spend a few hours writing my book, while FaceTiming my beautiful friend.

Which currently is what I am doing. I have a horrible stomach ache today so I am not going to be writing until I feel better.

I had such a positive response with my writing recently that it has fueled me to keep going and try to pursue this more.

So in the last week, I have gone golfing for my first time, and by golfing I mean I have gone to a driving course, which is what you see in movies where there are a bunch of people lined up hitting golf balls out to an  open field, and you just stand in one spot. It helps you practice your form and figure out what works best for you.

We have also started playing tennis, at the park down our street. It is super difficult, but it is also a great couple hobby for us. It gives us time to just get away from our phones, the tv, the house, and just be outside and enjoy each others company. And you sweat A LOT!

Also, I went Kayaking for my first time EVER! I also did not capsize, which I am very proud of. I thought I was going to immediately. However, I must be better at balance than many give me credit for.

Not to mention, yesterday evening, I checked my email to see if any job offers had replied, and as I refreshed the page, Recess Coffee popped up and said they would officially like to offer me a position if I was still available and interested. I screamed and couldn't breathe. Finally one of my struggles was over!!!

Such a relief knowing that I will have a source of income. I cannot describe what it is like to uproot your entire life, move across the country for someone, and sit there waiting. I mean you really get to know yourself. I also couldn't afford to pay for school Fall term, or get a loan so it made searching for jobs that more pertinent. But this was the relief I needed. I had even started to get sick. Stress is not something my body has ever been able to handle well.

Let me explain why. Since I was very very little I have been getting sick. Throwing up constantly, and I mean if I told my parents I didn't feel good, there better be a trashcan or something near me quick. We never knew why. We always just assumed it had something to do with an overactive gerd, like both of my parents have. Thus, I began taking omeprazole. I even did a berium swallow. And let me tell you, NOT FUN. NOT like a milkshake.

Fast forward to me being eighteen and going to college, and the sickness getting worse. Probably because I have been through three antidepressants, and was starting birth control because my periods made me SUPER nauseous. Let me just top off the cake with the fact that I have extreme anxiety over change. I know it has to happen but moving from high school to college scared the poop out of me, and everyone could see it. My senior year wrecked me, and sometimes I still have setbacks from it.

So the summer before freshman year of college I was continuously sick. And I was applying to classes, getting stuff ready, and getting sick again. So we went to a gastro center where they insisted on doing an endoscopy, where they put me under and put a scope down my throat, then take a biopsy of my innards somewhere, and test it. The First time was okay-second time, I woke up in the middle of it!

Now don't be alarmed, it isn't common, and I was really nervous about it because I love to psych myself out. Also, I have always had the experience where after waking up from anesthetics where I cry and ask for my mom. The first time she wasn't there, so naturally, the second time made me more nervous.

After the second time, I ended up walking all around the Portland State University campus, going to the IRS building, and talking to an advisor all in the same day, when I should have been resting... Smart? Probably not. Come to find out a couple days later, I have a rare disease called Eosinophilic Gastroenteritis, and Esophagitis. Meaning that if my white blood cells are off count, then my insides become irritated or inflamed, and I get sick. Other than that, there isn't really much known about it.

Which is good and bad. Because not many people have it, and it really is just a case by case let's just see what happens situation. So I keep myself active, and healthy and try not to be stressed. That being said, it is hard. I have noticed this time around I haven't been sick, but I do get super tired and dizzy. So always new experiences coming. That is all I will say about that, because the rest is quite personal! I mean in depth, like birth and life span, etc. The good stuff.

So I hope that helped, and I hope you all had a wonderful Labor Day, feel free to comment what you did, and share this with your friends!

I love you all, please subscribe, give it a plus one and I will see you again soon!

XOXOX

1K! Tribute

Today I am celebrating the fact that I have over 1000 page views!!! Thank you all so much for sticking with me, that means the world to me. I couldn't make it without a support system like you guys.

I am sorry it has been awhile since I have blogged. This past month has been crazy. I have been applying to jobs, and had my mom come visit, and the fair was going on. And now I am getting sick.

So here is the update: I have applied and interviewed for two jobs, and have high hopes for both of them. For those of you who know me, know that I have a septum piercing. and some people have told me that it is unprofessional to have that and tattoos, but that is what I have chosen as a dressing on my skin. So as a reply, respectfully, thank you for the feedback, I will continue to apply and interview with the piercing intact and the tattoos partially covered.

Also, I have been working more on my novel, and editing others. I also have been expanding my knowledge of my new home slowly. Traveling more without my GPS constantly in use. The Great New York State Fair was these last two weeks, and it was so much fun. My first time trying wine slushies, and deep fried oreos. Both I highly recommend.

I truly feel like a New Yorker. I have been to the fair, I however to do not own any Syracuse gear.
My mom came in and stayed for a week, that was so fun. We spent the whole time doing things we don't get to do anymore. Shopping, DIY-ing, and eating and drinking good food and drinks.

More to come, I am feeling light headed. I will explain more what is going on in the next blog. Have no fear, I am well! Love you all so much!

XOXOX