What would you do in the name of Love? Would you turn back time, or do whatever you can at any lengths for someone? I am asking about family, friends, lovers, any of them.
I read a poem going across Facebook right now,
http://thoughtcatalog.com/holly-riordan/2016/06/my-world-would-be-so-different-if-you-were-still-alive/
and thought about how this really hit home for me. And I decided to try another form of grieving, since I still relive parts of this month, and since moving from home things have been a little harder, dealing with ghosted guilt and regrets.
Here is the story of the day I lost one of the brightest lights in my sky.
May 6th 2015 I went into Portland in the morning, hoping to work out then hang with my boyfriend who had spent a couple days at the beach. I was upset that he had dropped off the face of the earth and at the time was sure he was seeing someone else. So I got up at 8 am and drove into my college campus where I had free access to an entire gym. I was convinced I would have the best day while starting out my day with working out, and hopefully run into my boyfriend on my way out of town.
After finishing my workout I headed home still bummed that I hadn't seen my man but also in a better and more positive mood. I figured he just needed to get away and that I was beginning to project my worries into a false reality.
I got home and immediately my phone rang. It was my best friend Emily. "Hey, can you sit down?" I asked her what was wrong and if she was okay, "I am fine. Umm. It's Kerrigan, she- She passed away."
I will never forget that moment. I didn't believe her. I couldn't. What do you mean? I asked. What happened? she started rambling on while crying hysterically and I couldn't hear much. "I'll call you back okay? Don't tell anyone yet." She hung up. I was still holding the dead phone to my ear as things started to form into sentences in my head. I started crying hysterically. My dad walked in started talking about something, I don't remember now, but he stopped and asked me what was wrong when he could see me crying. It took me ten whole minutes to tell him what happened. I think I might have texted it. I couldn't even say her name. We just sat in silence and cried.
After he went back to work I drove to my old high school where my other best friend Brette's little brother was still in class. Him and Kerrigan were really close. I called him but he was already home. We talked for awhile, and after I was sure he would be okay for the moment, I immediately texted Brette's mom, because she was in class still. Her mom had gone to get her and tell her before anyone else posted on social media or texted her.
I sat in the counseling office for hours. I couldn't function. I didn't feel like me. I couldn't imagine someone I had just talked to days before not being in my world anymore. Or anyones. I called and texted her, asking if this was real, telling her to tell me she was okay. Inside I knew I would never get a reply. For months I still called, still texted. One day I called and the number had been put out of service. That was hard. I still remember this day every day like it happened yesterday.
I still remember being so hurt because my boyfriend didn't ask me to come over until a mutual friend messaged him and told him I needed to be with someone. I drank wine that night and didn't sleep a wink. Writing this really made me relive this experience. And at some points I couldn't remember things I could before. I'll look at that as a phase of moving on. She visits me in my dreams and I see her in one of our friends every single day. Even if she isn't physically here, she is here in all of the lives she has touched. Love you K.
Dedicated to Kerrigan Taylor Clark, 1998-2015
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