When You Can't Sleep, Write.

I woke up this morning with the feeling that maybe I could go back to this as my boyfriend got ready to go to drill. In more attempts, I realized I would not be successful.

I laid in bed thinking about what I would do with the day and decided that I was going to make the most of it and go to the cafe I work at and write. So here I am, two hours later, all comfortable in my boots and scarf, relaxed.

But the bagel with avocado was so worth it. Let me update you on what has been happening. I have not been sleeping well as if you couldn't already tell.
I am very homesick, I really would like to go home and visit my family.
I also have my horses coming here as I write! I am oh so excited for that!

I think the most exciting thing for me is the fact that the first animal I have had as an adult to love and take care of and be my own is coming to live independently with me. And that means a lot to me.


Things are moving pretty slowly right now. The move is settling in, I am making and losing friends. I have so much to do and yet so little. I wish I had more motivation and more time. More days and hours to tell people I loved them and how much they meant to me.

I am also learning that I need to take time for myself. Like this morning, I am taking time for me, by just realizing all of these things as I am typing. I will probably make a list of things I want to do for the day after this to help me organize. I like lists, they make me feel more in control of things. It is like when you get too high, and you need something to ground you, like a sound or feeling. For me, it's the feeling of the cold.

And when I am feeling anxious or out of control, I make lists. Everyone has a different preference.

Tell me what is new with you guys, or maybe just check in mentally with yourselves. How are you doing? What are you battling internally and externally every day? What makes you feel out of control? What can you do to feel in control? Do you ever give too much and forget to give to yourself?

Here's a little perspective; my first tattoo was on the left side of my body. spiritually that is the side that you receive with. The rest of my tattoos I have gotten on the right side of my body, save for my semi-colon, which is on my ring finger, symbolizing my marriage to life.

Ever since I have been getting tattoos on my body, I have told myself to give. I have always wanted to give as much as I could to everyone around me, because it would mean that I never left anyone I came in contact with unloved. Except I forgot that also meant the person in the mirror was someone too.
I slowly have become exhausted by giving so much and forgetting to receive. So as of that epiphany, I will be getting another tattoo on my left side to symbolize my dedication to myself, and to receiving all that is presented to me, because I am human, and because life is a two-way street. It sounds hippy-ish, but that is because it is.

I hope you all are sleeping well, and remember to love, and be loved.

I love you all with the bottom of my heart.
XOXOXO

K

I had a friend named Kerrigan who once told me that

it was hard to eat because she had anxiety. 

I would try to feel bad but in the back of my mind

I would think, "It's easy, just eat the food"

She would disappear for hours to the bathroom during cheer camp or at dinner

Only to come back quiet and pale. 

I felt like the horrible person I was being internally

yet I stayed quiet. 

In high school, she loved everyone

And everyone loved her.

She had more friends than most people I have known through my life

always making sure everyone felt as loved as the next

I always wanted to be one

I always did feel like one, 

Yet I always wanted to be perfect, 

until I found out there is no perfect in this world

Over a year ago Kerrigan drove off of the side of an embankment, 

crushing her car 

Dreams 

and her frail cadaver that had been so filled with love

I got a call from my now ex-best friend 

with her haunting words saying

"Kerrigan's passed away" 

and with every slow heart beat my head screamed no this can't be happening

But it did. I have the colored scars to prove it. 

I used to think people were perfect, and if they could give so much love that they were happy. 

If I could I'd ask Kerrigan, who is now permanently laying silently in her final bed, 

while we, the imperfect ones, 

sit, stand, walk, run in her place, 

telling stories, 

raising families, 

hurting ourselves,

hurting others because this person taught us that 

Loving and giving are something that everyone should do

And we don't know how. 

And we don't want to because we aren't ready, 

We aren't ready to say goodbye to God's angel

We can't accept that everything does happen for a reason

No matter how twisted. 

[Pause] 

In high school, I met a girl named Kerrigan, who loved to sing. 

She taught me how to be imperfect. 

And the day she left I learned that our time together 

on this earth; was indeed

Perfect.

One Letter To End Them All

***NOT SUICIDAL***

To those of you know have known me for years, you would know I am a major depressive who has struggled for years to find the right SSRI to make me act and handle situations like a normal human being.

For those of you who just met me, welcome to my crazy train, and I am sure we met because we are more alike than we know. Either way, here is something I never thought I would share with the world.

Before you ask why, or when, just be open minded, and read to the bottom. Yes, I cried, and you will too. That's why we are here together, and that is why I am sharing this. Well friend, here goes nothing.

Here is my suicide note.

         Dear mom and dad, I'm sorry for drunk driving and lying to you. I am sorry for making you worry. I love you guys more than anything or one in the world and you guys make me so happy. I wish I wasn't depressed. I wish I had finished college the way I planned, and gotten scholarships. I wish I had been the star and the honor student I planned to be all throughout school. I wish I wasn't moving further and further away from my goals in life.
         Dear family, I love you too. You mean a lot to me, but you also make me question myself. It is sometimes good but also makes me feel like I am making mistakes. I am an adult and can do what I want... Right? I don't know anymore... Maybe I can't do this. Any ways, please know that I am always trying. I always tried.
        Dear friends, thank you for supporting me, for loving me and leaving me. I grew and fell when I needed to. But in the end it wasn't enough. It was no one's fault but mine. I can't handle loving other people when I can't even love myself. No one can give and not take. I took toxicity, and gave my love. And in turn I have become my worst enemy. I am sorry, and I love you.
       To My Love, you have cradled me and supported me in ways that are unknown to the public eye. You listened to every panicked moment, and every tear. You let me cry into your chest, and yell at you when you were drunk with stress or sleep. You are my world, and my future. You are butterflies in my stomach and the courage that makes me get out of bed. I am sorry, and I love you more.
       In the end of things, I can't do it. I can't pretend I am happy, or hold back tears on my best days. I can't pretend I feel motivated or that death doesn't coax me. I want it, and dream about it, like a child dreams about being a superhero. I feel empty, hopeless. I feel ended. I feel MY end.

I am sorry, and I am not sorry. The truth is in the end, I won't be here for you to judge me for my decisions. I don't care anyway.
-SCP

My suicide note was written a long time ago, and I didn't memorize it, nor did I intend on actually carrying it out. But death does come across my mind. No person who is depressed doesn't think about it. No person doesn't think about it. I typed this because I felt like this would help me heal. And cope with my depression. I am not here for pity, or people to judge me and give me advice. This is my blog for me to air whatever feelings I have.

***I DO NOT PLAN ON ACTING ON THIS. CALM YOUR BALLS***

The Scrumptious Soliloquies of Fall

Lately I have been feeling a lack of inspiration to write.

Honestly I have been lacking inspiration in many things.

This election year has been taxing on so many beliefs, relationships, and political opinions.

It has also ruined relationships, hopes, and the country seems to be in a state of low-key hysteria.

The first day after the elections were over, I instantly realized how hateful people can be. I still lose sleep over the sadness whirling inside me. People I never talk to, attacking me and my family over beliefs and opinions that involve only ourselves.

I DESPISE THIS. This world has suddenly become the opposite of everything we stood for. We are racist, discriminatory, gender biased assholes who think if the leader can get away with something the media talked about one time, then "So can I!"

Well here is a reality check. I am a person. You all know me, and have known me for years. I am also a person who is Bisexual, medically disabled, and mentally unstable. Everything I am reading about is tearing me apart.

The fact that so many people are taking their opinions, hate, and beliefs and projecting them onto undeserving victims is stomach churning.

What happened to America, where we all loved each other and fought for equality, and rights for everyone? Does that not exist anymore? For those of you who are on my Facebook and have said hateful things to people who voted for Hillary or Trump, unfriend me now.

Shallow opinions are welcome but will not be tolerated. I want everyone to know that even in this world of indecisiveness, There are people who are safe places. Heard of the Safety pin project? I stand for it.

I stand for women, men, children, non binaries, pansexuals, and everyone in-between! I want you to know that all I want in this world like many others, is to make the world a better place with love and caring for others. I have nothing but love and feelings to give, so why not take them? Exactly.

Please love one another, Please remember what is truly important, and PLEASE spread love not hate, and never say something to someone unless it could stand as the last thing you said.

I love you all so so so much. XOXOXO

Do You Feel The Barometer Dropping?

Hello my fellow humanoids, it has come to my attention that as we sink deeper into the winter months, the more we also recognize how we eat. I think that goes without saying that the pumpkin trend is dying down for a lot of us, at least the cafe I work at when I tell customers that we have pumpkin bagels, they steer clear of them. Yet the older adults still order a large PSL for them and their loved ones, excited that it is FINALLY acceptable to order those.

I have tried the pumpkin bagel and while I do love it, I would rather opt for picking a pumpkin, carving it and saving the seeds for roasted pumpkin seeds, which are my absolute favorite in the world. But let's dive into another non-pumpkin related tangent and keep on moving on.

It is cold here in upstate NY, and I am definitely feeling the cooler mornings take a toll on my body as well as my mental state. There is something about the cooler weather that seems to slow our motivation and our ability to hop out of bed in the mornings. I have found that the colder it gets, the harder it is to drag myself to work. And the more I am driving, not biking like I promised myself I would.

Alas, I can't be too harsh on myself, this is my first winter here, and it got cooler much quicker than it does in Oregon. Not to mention the lack of snow Oregon has. I find myself under a blanket and in a sweatshirt most of the day when I am not running around at work which tends to keep my blood pumping.

Did you know it was Mental Health Day yesterday? If only more people like me had known that. I have struggled with mental health issues for years. I guess it never really clicked with me that there might be a day where everyone recognizes it and its impact on the world. Don't take that wrong and think I am invalidating every other day of the year, thinking we should ignore it. Because if that was the case, most of us with a mental illness or more than one illness would not be alive.

It always helps to have the world come together for a few hours to shine some light on it though. That is the beauty of social media, Facebook, and the beloved internet. There are also days for cancer awareness. All types of cancer. Breast, colon, brain, etc. There are days for history and health breakthroughs. It is so amazing that every year you find a new thing to celebrate. Why am I not telling you what today is? Maybe because I want you to go look.

Tangent: I went shopping for the first time in who knows how long, and found some really good items and clothes while there. And the thing that I noticed when I was getting clothes? Not one hint of self-loathing!!! Maybe it was the fact that I had a super positive person with me to keep my mind on positive things instead of going straight to the anxiety of whether or not something would fit or not, or look good on me. It was so refreshing. I learned that if I just surround myself with positive people who don't say negative things or even think negative thoughts, then shopping for clothes doesn't seem like such a horrifying idea.

I ended up getting cat ears, and a new purple lipstick, four shirts, a bondage kit because why not, and two emoji pillows, because it's fun to have them. Why? All because we walked into the store with no expectations, no ideals, and only a goal of finding one item. I didn't find mine, but that's okay. I left in a great mood and feeling like Syracuse is home. Wow. Look at that! If you put yourself out there and make an effort, things will happen for you.

Chew on that while you drink wine :-)

See you all soon, Much love

Xoxox

In The Name of Love

What would you do in the name of Love? Would you turn back time, or do whatever you can at any lengths for someone? I am asking about family, friends, lovers, any of them.

I read a poem going across Facebook right now,

http://thoughtcatalog.com/holly-riordan/2016/06/my-world-would-be-so-different-if-you-were-still-alive/

and thought about how this really hit home for me. And I decided to try another form of grieving, since I still relive parts of this month, and since moving from home things have been a little harder, dealing with ghosted guilt and regrets.

Here is the story of the day I lost one of the brightest lights in my sky.

May 6th 2015 I went into Portland in the morning, hoping to work out then hang with my boyfriend who had spent a couple days at the beach. I was upset that he had dropped off the face of the earth and at the time was sure he was seeing someone else. So I got up at 8 am and drove into my college campus where I had free access to an entire gym. I was convinced I would have the best day while starting out my day with working out, and hopefully run into my boyfriend on my way out of town.

After finishing my workout I headed home still bummed that I hadn't seen my man but also in a better and more positive mood. I figured he just needed to get away and that I was beginning to project my worries into a false reality.
I got home and immediately my phone rang. It was my best friend Emily. "Hey, can you sit down?" I asked her what was wrong and if she was okay, "I am fine. Umm. It's Kerrigan, she- She passed away."

I will never forget that moment. I didn't believe her. I couldn't. What do you mean? I asked. What happened? she started rambling on while crying hysterically and I couldn't hear much. "I'll call you back okay? Don't tell anyone yet." She hung up. I was still holding the dead phone to my ear as things started to form into sentences in my head. I started crying hysterically. My dad walked in started talking about something, I don't remember now, but he stopped and asked me what was wrong when he could see me crying. It took me ten whole minutes to tell him what happened. I think I might have texted it. I couldn't even say her name. We just sat in silence and cried.

After he went back to work I drove to my old high school where my other best friend Brette's little brother was still in class. Him and Kerrigan were really close. I called him but he was already home. We talked for awhile, and after I was sure he would be okay for the moment, I immediately texted Brette's mom, because she was in class still. Her mom had gone to get her and tell her before anyone else posted on social media or texted her.

I sat in the counseling office for hours. I couldn't function. I didn't feel like me. I couldn't imagine someone I had just talked to days before not being in my world anymore. Or anyones. I called and texted her, asking if this was real, telling her to tell me she was okay. Inside I knew I would never get a reply. For months I still called, still texted. One day I called and the number had been put out of service. That was hard. I still remember this day every day like it happened yesterday.

I still remember being so hurt because my boyfriend didn't ask me to come over until a mutual friend messaged him and told him I needed to be with someone. I drank wine that night and didn't sleep a wink. Writing this really made me relive this experience. And at some points I couldn't remember things I could before. I'll look at that as a phase of moving on. She visits me in my dreams and I see her in one of our friends every single day. Even if she isn't physically here, she is here in all of the lives she has touched. Love you K.

Dedicated to Kerrigan Taylor Clark, 1998-2015

Aaaaaaaaand... We're Live!

So I was hoping to do a live session of blogging with you guys. Because I know that it would be so fun to have you guys ask questions, and just kind of chat back and forth about things. I am always interested in what you guys have to say!

Let me know what you think!

Today I am pensive about boundaries. In all capacities. Where the line becomes a brick wall, or where it mixes dangerously into a cocktail of fear, suddenly making the brick wall open to the edge of a cliff looking down into a dark abyss.  Sounds almost like teen angst right? Well, guess what, boundaries are personal, and are nothing to joke about. So sit down, get ready to be uncomfortable, and let's begin.

I was at work today, and during a slower portion of my shift, I noticed a young woman and a man hug,  obviously recognizing each other. The man went on to tell the woman how fit she looked, and how much skinnier she looked than the last time he had seen her. The woman said thank you and tried to walk up to the counter to order.

He continued, either not sensing her being finished with their interaction, or not caring, and wanting to shine more of a light on her appearance, followed up with, "You look much more-more in shape! So much fitter!" To this, she just uncomfortably nodded, and I could feel the tension from across the counter. I knew I couldn't say anything, as it wasn't my place, also during work hours, but I was appalled that this man thought that since he knew this woman that he could subtly objectify her, and talk about her body, when she was more than visibly uncomfortable.

That is what made me want to write this. I like to believe that I don't force my opinions on people, or that I enlighten people, but something told me today that this subject needed to be put into a spotlight. Objectifying is NEVER okay. I mean talking about someone, looking at them, etc. I won't drive this into the ground, but no one is entitled to another person's ANYTHING. EVER.

Two summers ago I went out on a boat with three girls, and eight to ten guys. I was invited by a guy who asked me on a date, and since I was fresh from a breakup, I was in my rebound phase and said yes. As soon as I got on that boat at ten in the morning, I was handed a tequila sunrise, then immediately following that I had my boobs grabbed, my butt touched by the same sweet person I had gone on a short coffee date the day before. I was betrayed. All of a sudden the person I trusted at work and alone was calling me babe and kissing me, and asking me to sit on his lap.

Boundaries. He did not respect my boundaries and because of previous experiences like that, I still have moments where I ask David to not touch me, and he respects me because he knows what it means to have those boundaries, or to stop when someone asks or says no.

This is such an important subject to me because too many people have to experience rape, molestation, objectification, and it's because boundaries aren't respected and we aren't comfortable or able to establish them. Or we think we trust the person we are with, but often end up wrong. But don't lose faith, I am not trying to be a cynic. Not everyone is awful, I am not saying don't trust anyone, just guard yourself.

Every single one of you is important to me. I have been through things I have been scarred by, that still give me nightmares, and that I never want you to go through. Which is why I blog about things that are uncomfortable or are borderline redundant.

If there is one takeaway from this, it would be just please be careful, think things through, and always make sure you establish boundaries and make sure that anyone you're with can always respect you. Whether it is you saying no to tea, or no to you taking your shirt off. That is the most important thing in the world.

I love you all, have a wonderful night, XOXOX

No Ragerts

I read this story the other day about a girl who married her high school sweetheart, and didn't go to college, but she did move to the base her husband lived on. She ended up broke and unhappy, living in a town where she connected with no one. After a year she finally realized she was too young and they divorced. 19 and divorced. Imagine that.

I can't imagine what it would be like to ignore everything that made me happy just to make someone else happy. I mean I moved across the coast for a boy, but it was for me too. And I have made my life here and continue to make this my home. I think why this story sticks with me so much is because I believe that so many of us jump into things too quickly, or without thinking things through. Or maybe we just think that it is the best thing, that other people will be happy, so it must make us happy in the end.

It is sad in a way, but also in another way it is also really okay. Because you live and learn. Your twenties are your time to explore and make mistakes. To move to new places, learn new languages or date different people. I sound hypocritical because I didn't really do much before moving in with a guy but there are old souls out there who like boring lives. Not to say I am boring because believe me, I like to be crazy too.

But to me it is so so important to make sure every day that you think, "What could get better than this?" I am extremely lucky to say that every night, cuddling my boyfriend and dog. I mean sure any moment I could be single or something tragic could happen, let's be realists, but are we going to dwell on it and worry about things we can't control? NO

If you can't control it, don't worry about it. Simple (Yeah right) as that. Hard rule to live by, but try to make it a motto.

Another really important thing I wanted to talk to you guys about is relationships.

I know they're hard, or can be difficult at times, but that's life. No one gets the perfect marriage. And if you do, then good for you! I wish you the best.
About a year ago, I flew to Chicago, and visited my sister when I thought my entire life was falling apart. "Relationships are always easy. They shouldn't be hard." At the time I hated hearing it. Because I had just broken up with the love of my life, my heart was shattered. I was depressed, suicidal, and wanted to die. I was convinced that no one would ever love just me. First loves take a huge toll on you. That is for damn sure. And make no mistake that my entire last summer still haunts me some days.

But now that I think of that, and sorry sis, but I know you don't think that anymore. Relationships shouldn't be battle after battle, or an entire war. But relationships are difficult because you are always working with each other to make things better. "Communication is key." Remember that saying? Well it's true as can be, and I don't know a single night when I bottled things up so much that I ended up getting us into a fit of "bickering" that didn't need to happen if we just communicated.

I've always counted David and I lucky that we don't really fight. We bicker, or disagree, but arguing or fighting has happened twice over the year and a half we have known each other. I think that is pretty damn good if you ask me. I am not one to give away things from my private life, but I can boast about that. I have a healthy relationship and a safe and trusting, supportive man by my side.

So my message to you is this: No matter what happens in life, remember to always put you first. David told me that a while ago when I had no one. "Put you first, always." And from that day on I did. I smile more, and laugh more, and I don't feel bad about it. This is your life, not someone else's. I'm not saying don't open doors, or pay it forward. No, still try to be good to others, but don't put others before you, or their happiness before you if it will hurt you and your happiness. Make sense?

Sorry I haven't blogged much, I promise to more, hopefully I can add more to this one and add another one tomorrow. Anyways, I love you all and will see you soon. Remember to give yourself a gift. And fall is here! Get the sweaters out!
XOXOX

To An Inevitable End We All Go

This Blog will be a little different.

This week marks the second month I will have fully lived in Syracuse. Readjusting is not easy. But let me also tell you the other thing that isn't easy.

Being alone, and starting over. I know I have talked about it before, but it is about to get real.

I love to tell anyone and everyone about how I have the most supportive counterpart ever. Because I do, he is SO amazing. I don't even have to tell him when I am upset, he just knows. And whether it is a call, or an "I love you!" text, he always makes sure I know that he is there for me whenever I need him.

He is my safety net and my best friend. I am madly in love with him and so thankful to have him by my side, and I hope that I can always support him the way he does me.

But the other side of things, when he is at work, or out with friends, or even just in the other room, is the looming loneliness that I always have with me, knowing that I am thousands of miles away from everyone I love. Now don't let this fool you, it sucks so bad, and for the longest time, I cried and cried, and called my dad, then my mom, and lost sleep. Because it sucks to leave your comfort zone, and start over in a new place where everyone has known each other since they were kids.

But guess what? That's exactly what people feel like coming from other places to where I am from. So that makes me feel so much better. But also, a thing that I really miss is hugs. Human contact. The only friends I have made here so far are David's friends and family. Which is awesome because I love them all, but I want to make my own new friends and feel like I have a special external connection here that isn't solely linked to my boyfriend.

Which leads me to another horrible topic. Making new friends in a new place is HARD. Especially when you don't know the areas, or where is and isn't safe. Also, when you don't have a car. These things make it difficult.

Facetiming my best friend every day also makes me miss her more and more. One of the things I am going to do when I get back home to visit, is hug her, because I miss the crap out of her beautiful face!

So this is what it has been like, transitioning from one coast to the other. Today is a short one, because I am a little sad, and I am currently homesick.

See you all soon.
XOXOX

If I Could Write A Letter To Me

Hey You,

Remember that Covergirl eyeshadow palette you love? With the four, bright colors you wear every day? Wear them. Express yourself. You should join a sport, or club though, hanging around school after it is out should only be for obligatory reasons, trust me.

Remember Matt Blaser? Yeah, he's cool, but really you won't be into him. And I am glad you didn't get the nerve to kiss him after that football game. Good job. You'll meet a few great guys in high school. Take it slow, let it happen. Trust yourself. The right guy will come. You sleep next to him every night.

And about those girls who bully you, don't hurt yourself, or eat your feelings. Remember that behind every bully there is an insecurity. Kill them with kindness. Remember to love yourself and smile every day.

I know you don't like your body, but whatever you don't like, either change it or embrace it. Your family and friends love you, so don't change unless it's YOUR reason.

And last but not least, hug Kerrigan. Talk to her every day, cherish her. One day the people who are the brightest, kindest, and most inspiring won't be there to be that light anymore.

Don't take anything for granted. Be strong. Be outgoing. Take chances.

I love you, and good luck. See you in the mirror.

-You

If you have ever said, "if only I could have written myself a letter" or, "If I had only known" This is what mine looks like. I encourage you to sit down, and think. Really think about what you would tell your younger self. Would you tell your younger self not to wear leg warmers? Or would you skate over that one because you want to be expressive? This opened my eyes about my past self, who I am now, who I will become in the future, and who I want my children to be.

So please, comment your letters, put them in your facebook. Put them on my facebook page. But please post them. Love you all, see you soon.

XOXOX

Writing Over The Rainbow

It has now been just over six weeks since I officially became a resident of New York.
It is still hard for me to realize that I am not home, or going to go home.

Also, the weather is more intense and unpredictable.

I have gotten into a routine, being that I don't currently have a job.

I get up, make coffee, check my social media sites and emails, eat some sort of breakfast and clean up. Then I continue on to cleaning the house, showering and getting dressed so I can perform any tasks I am meant to throughout the day. I also try to spend a few hours writing my book, while FaceTiming my beautiful friend.

Which currently is what I am doing. I have a horrible stomach ache today so I am not going to be writing until I feel better.

I had such a positive response with my writing recently that it has fueled me to keep going and try to pursue this more.

So in the last week, I have gone golfing for my first time, and by golfing I mean I have gone to a driving course, which is what you see in movies where there are a bunch of people lined up hitting golf balls out to an  open field, and you just stand in one spot. It helps you practice your form and figure out what works best for you.

We have also started playing tennis, at the park down our street. It is super difficult, but it is also a great couple hobby for us. It gives us time to just get away from our phones, the tv, the house, and just be outside and enjoy each others company. And you sweat A LOT!

Also, I went Kayaking for my first time EVER! I also did not capsize, which I am very proud of. I thought I was going to immediately. However, I must be better at balance than many give me credit for.

Not to mention, yesterday evening, I checked my email to see if any job offers had replied, and as I refreshed the page, Recess Coffee popped up and said they would officially like to offer me a position if I was still available and interested. I screamed and couldn't breathe. Finally one of my struggles was over!!!

Such a relief knowing that I will have a source of income. I cannot describe what it is like to uproot your entire life, move across the country for someone, and sit there waiting. I mean you really get to know yourself. I also couldn't afford to pay for school Fall term, or get a loan so it made searching for jobs that more pertinent. But this was the relief I needed. I had even started to get sick. Stress is not something my body has ever been able to handle well.

Let me explain why. Since I was very very little I have been getting sick. Throwing up constantly, and I mean if I told my parents I didn't feel good, there better be a trashcan or something near me quick. We never knew why. We always just assumed it had something to do with an overactive gerd, like both of my parents have. Thus, I began taking omeprazole. I even did a berium swallow. And let me tell you, NOT FUN. NOT like a milkshake.

Fast forward to me being eighteen and going to college, and the sickness getting worse. Probably because I have been through three antidepressants, and was starting birth control because my periods made me SUPER nauseous. Let me just top off the cake with the fact that I have extreme anxiety over change. I know it has to happen but moving from high school to college scared the poop out of me, and everyone could see it. My senior year wrecked me, and sometimes I still have setbacks from it.

So the summer before freshman year of college I was continuously sick. And I was applying to classes, getting stuff ready, and getting sick again. So we went to a gastro center where they insisted on doing an endoscopy, where they put me under and put a scope down my throat, then take a biopsy of my innards somewhere, and test it. The First time was okay-second time, I woke up in the middle of it!

Now don't be alarmed, it isn't common, and I was really nervous about it because I love to psych myself out. Also, I have always had the experience where after waking up from anesthetics where I cry and ask for my mom. The first time she wasn't there, so naturally, the second time made me more nervous.

After the second time, I ended up walking all around the Portland State University campus, going to the IRS building, and talking to an advisor all in the same day, when I should have been resting... Smart? Probably not. Come to find out a couple days later, I have a rare disease called Eosinophilic Gastroenteritis, and Esophagitis. Meaning that if my white blood cells are off count, then my insides become irritated or inflamed, and I get sick. Other than that, there isn't really much known about it.

Which is good and bad. Because not many people have it, and it really is just a case by case let's just see what happens situation. So I keep myself active, and healthy and try not to be stressed. That being said, it is hard. I have noticed this time around I haven't been sick, but I do get super tired and dizzy. So always new experiences coming. That is all I will say about that, because the rest is quite personal! I mean in depth, like birth and life span, etc. The good stuff.

So I hope that helped, and I hope you all had a wonderful Labor Day, feel free to comment what you did, and share this with your friends!

I love you all, please subscribe, give it a plus one and I will see you again soon!

XOXOX

1K! Tribute

Today I am celebrating the fact that I have over 1000 page views!!! Thank you all so much for sticking with me, that means the world to me. I couldn't make it without a support system like you guys.

I am sorry it has been awhile since I have blogged. This past month has been crazy. I have been applying to jobs, and had my mom come visit, and the fair was going on. And now I am getting sick.

So here is the update: I have applied and interviewed for two jobs, and have high hopes for both of them. For those of you who know me, know that I have a septum piercing. and some people have told me that it is unprofessional to have that and tattoos, but that is what I have chosen as a dressing on my skin. So as a reply, respectfully, thank you for the feedback, I will continue to apply and interview with the piercing intact and the tattoos partially covered.

Also, I have been working more on my novel, and editing others. I also have been expanding my knowledge of my new home slowly. Traveling more without my GPS constantly in use. The Great New York State Fair was these last two weeks, and it was so much fun. My first time trying wine slushies, and deep fried oreos. Both I highly recommend.

I truly feel like a New Yorker. I have been to the fair, I however to do not own any Syracuse gear.
My mom came in and stayed for a week, that was so fun. We spent the whole time doing things we don't get to do anymore. Shopping, DIY-ing, and eating and drinking good food and drinks.

More to come, I am feeling light headed. I will explain more what is going on in the next blog. Have no fear, I am well! Love you all so much!

XOXOX

Write Me Like One Of Your French Girls

Hello lovelies!

I hope you all are well, I have been well too!

Lately a lot has happened. Settling in has been easier. Getting a routine in is nicer, although having a job would be ideal. This morning I went to register for classes and spent most of my morning there applying for Financial Aid, Loans, etc. Only to find out that I had to pay everything by tomorrow, and I do not have the funds, so I will be waiting until next term, which breaks my heart greatly.

This was something I have been looking forward to since we moved, and now the fact that I cannot go out and meet people and keep learning is awful. But winter term will be better hopefully.

Until then, I have better news.

I have decided to write a book. It will be about abuse in all forms. Because I believe there are not enough books published about this subject. I am openly asking anyone who has first handedly experienced or had a friend or family member experience it, to email me personally if they would like to contribute to my writing experience. You won't be mentioned, it is just to help with insight.

shelbypeabody1@gmail.com

Sorry this one is short today, I am not in the best spirits.

XOXOX

My Ghostwalk Through Oakwood Cemetery

I have a lovely story to tell you all!

Let me give you a disclaimer that I have had few encounters with anything like this, and also, I love and fear the paranormal. If you are rolling your eyes right now, feel free to click away. I am just sharing a fun evening walk I had with my boyfriend, dog and his best friend.

So yesterday I was taken to this beautiful cemetery I think outside of Syracuse, called Oakwood Cemetery, and it was amazing!

It is gigantic and very historic, so it takes a while to get to a certain spot in the cemetery.

So you drive in, and go off the paved roads, down gravel, all the way to this old church, and park, then you walk up to the church where you can see a map of the entirety of Oakwood.

Then they took me to this statue of a lion. It is beautiful. I will have them attached below. His eyes are hollow so that when it rains, he cries. There is also rumor that he gets up and walks around at night. Which upon closer inspection I noticed he was not attached to the stone he was placed on. True story, you'll see.

We then went to various other locations, starting with an old abandoned barn. We walked past a clearing, on this gravel road, and I immediately noticed a temperature drop as soon as we stepped on the road. I also had this feeling of not dread, but like there was something weighing down my chest. As we kept walking, I noticed a little bit of a foul feeling, but kept along, I love seeing old structures and I especially love cemeteries.

The barn ended up not being there, and the feeling let up when we were in the clearing that had been the barn, as well as the temperature, but I do wonder what the temperature drop on the road was.

We also went to different structures, and I won't be able to remember them all, but don't worry, I already am itching to go back. We went to a circle pyramid, a few archways, another pyramid where there have been stories of lights seen at night, and if you put your hand at the top of the now cemented over door, you can feel the cool air coming out.

We also went to this monument where it was open on one side, and opposite to that was a window, with a bag hanging under it. I was told by my companions that people peed in there, and to not sit down. Dually noted, I thought. Also, it smelled of pee, and my germophobe kicked in. I had a weird unsettled feeling while in there, I also think that I was on edge because I didn't want to interrupt these people's resting grounds, these graves were from the early 1800's and I certainly had to right to be tramping all over, so I was trying my best to be cautious.

The bag ended up being full of trash, so we left it hanging on a giant branch outside of the building, against the window, and to me it was unsettling but lovely.

I believe it was across from that structure, or a little bit later, I saw an archway that was dedicated to a soldier, and I wanted to go look at it. So, I walked over to it, despite my boyfriends warning of, "Don't stand in that archway"

And as I walked over to the archway, I put one hand in, then another, felt a cool rush over me, and decided not to stand in it... Funny how we don't listen to the best warnings...

They showed me many beautiful things, old crypts, and baby headstones, and it was all so amazing. I am sourcing these pictures, because for my first introduction, I wanted it to be raw.

We also had a deer follow us through a lot of our walk, so I will post pictures of that!

So I hope most of you stayed to read this. And I will take more pictures next time I go, and hopefully go one night.

A baby tombstone

The chapel 

The Lion, hidden up a path, and as you can see, not connected to anything. 

An entire map of Oakwood cemetery

The pyramid that has been said to have weird lights at night, and the cool breeze

The John Crause Mausoleum 

A lady did the GHOSTWALK tour, and they let her inside the chapel, or the church

This is a headless lady, I believe she has something headless on her left side

I cannot remember the name of this one, but I remember them telling me stories

If I Was You, Would You Want To Be Me Too? (Part Two FINALLY)

So I finally am writing this part two, and I am sorry for taking such a long time to continue this, and writing another post between this and part one. Life has been super crazy, and I barely have time to write this one and I totally understand that you're thinking, "Wait, you don't have a job yet, and you're at home all day though?"

Well you are half right, and just because I am at home all day does not mean I am sitting on my hands waiting for a task. There is this small thing called cleaning, my puppy, and self hygiene and whatnot, plus let me just add that David's car was hit the first week we were here so that is a whole other beast we had to deal with.

So let us begin shall we?

So the first two weeks we were here, we were living with David's dad and his lovely wife Maria, whom became such a wonderful net of support for me when I moved, because I needed to not be alone and isolated. While it was nice to have meals with other people every night, and be social and learn the life of New York, and I have come to love them so much, it was also stressful because most of our stuff was in two Uboxes, and we only had access to what we could cram into our car, and we only had a room to ourselves, and we felt bad about taking up other spaces, when we were guests, plus we had brought a dog who sheds into their house, so most of my day could be spent cleaning up after the three of us, trying to make as little of a mess as possible. One stress that grew with tension as the two weeks went on.

Now let it be known that I had the leisure of a pool! And a back yard for Cooper, and privacy. It was amazing!!! I can not be thankful enough. Make no mistake, I am endlessly lucky.
Let me know if you all would like to hear about our adventures there, I have lots of stories, of exploring and walks and pools and all of the fun, Maria and I especially explored a lot.

Onto the next thing. We moved into our apartment on the first of August, which let me add, if you are ever moving, DO NOT use Uhaul. It was stressful, and how they are such a big company baffles me, and please let me know if you would like me to add that into the stories of living in Manlius, I will. It really is its own separate story. And I don't hold any grudges, it just has happen three times now and I am finished with that moving company.
So we moved into our new apartment, and the fourth day we were there a woman hit his parked car, and it was almost totaled so we are waiting to buy a new jeep, and I am borrowing one of his parents cars, essentially.

Then this last weekend, we drove to Buffalo to David's family reunion, and Maria's car broke down on the way there, so we had to drive the car I was borrowing to Manlius so she could use it, but now she is on vacation so I will hopefully be able to use it soon, although we will be gone this weekend anyways.

Now, I have been on one antidepressant for a year or two and with this big change I feel like it is not working anymore, and I need a new one so I am currently in my third day of changing it, and so my emotions are off the deep end as well, so sometimes all I want to do is sit.

And it is hard to deal with the change and my raging emotional highs and lows as well as trying to adjust to a whole new lifestyle. But I've started just forcing myself to do things. Sometimes small like putting a dish in the dishwasher, or sweeping. Or even just taking my dog on a walk. But it has gotten easier. 

Yesterday David and I went to Washington DC to watch the Portland Timbers play DC United with the Timbers Army East Coast Platoon. And that felt a lot like home away from home. I even made a new friend. So things are slowly looking up. If you get anything out of this, and if you have kept reading this far down, good for you! 

Seriously, my advice from experience would be never turn down a once in a lifetime opportunity, there are no bad decisions, because they are just all leading you down one specific path called life, and just trust yourself. And always be positive that eventually it will be okay. You might have to work at it, but remember what your parents told you? "life's not fair." So go out and work and grab whatever you can and make life work for you. Until next time. Love you all, and updates on DC to come soon. 

Xoxox 

-Shelbs

If I Was You, Would You Want To Be Me Too? (Part One)

Yes I want to be Meghan Trainer and no you cannot stop me!

So now over one week into being an official New York resident, and let me tell you how interesting and stressful this whole change has been. Along with everything that is going on in the world. Although if I am being honest, I like that there are other things to focus on, (No I do not enjoy the bad things happening in the world, you sadist) so I can keep my mind bouncing off other things and not get overwhelmed. 

I am having such issues focusing today!

Alright my song is on. Perfect. So I survived this week with no car, and doing everything from home. But I worked out everyday, made that routine, spent time with David's step-mother, and that was very nice. She has helped with my transition to a new place a lot. I am super grateful to have someone who loves me, and has a beautiful family all over to support us. That always makes me feel happy. 

So today, my friends, here is what I hope to enlighten you about a new move across the world, whether it is a country, state, town, wherever. Change is change. Whether you are ready or not. 

Since I am now settled-ish, I am hoping to plan out my blogs more. So today I am hoping to talk about dealing with the transition, the trial and error I have experienced, as well as things I have learned to do better. 

We are going to reflect on my first week here, compared to others' first weeks in new places. 

Dealing with stress, and anxiety, depression, or all of the new feelings that flood to you. 

Feeling lonely or homesick, 

AND the biggest one! 

Friends and family back home. 

This is a huge one, and you will figure out why. Ready? Here we go!

So my first week here was filled lots of adjustments. We will talk about that too. 

The first day we were here, we relaxed, and tried to be outside a lot, or standing, because we had just spent the last five days driving, cramped in a car, and never further than four inches from each other. I mean I love that we are close, but that becomes intense. And by intense I mean we made our own language... Yeah. 

The rest of the week, was David going to work, and me trying to start applying for jobs, applying like a madwoman. Calling college advisors, working to get things set up for me, because I am coming to a new place with nothing. 

Then, his Step-mom took me out to get our nails done, and that was nice, because just for a few minutes, I could forget all these things I had to do, and have my hands massaged, and my legs massaged, and talk to other ladies in there. Or sit and have my back massaged in those awesome pedicure seats we all love, (Am I right though?) 

We also went shopping for clothes, shoes, and furniture shopping yesterday. I mean the move made us pretty broke, so it was window shopping for me, but it was nice to feel somewhat normal. They also have a pool, so if I would have a moment, or feel stressed, I would lay in the sun, or go swimming at night, and just try to relax. 

Let me explain how this is stressful, because I feel like right about now you might be saying, "How are you stressed if you have been spending your days on vacation?"

I get it, and the first couple days were nice, but, this was a typical day for me. 

Get up, let Cooper outside, play with him, bring him in, feed him. No one is home but me and the dog, so I go downstairs and workout, come back up, and have coffee and breakfast. 

Then, I spend most of my day on my phone and computer until it dies, and David has the charge cord, so then I am on my phone. Go outside, walk around. Walk Cooper. Call people. 

Find things to do. Clean sheets, clean counters, clean room. Make bed. 

Sit... Sit.... Sit...

Then people come home! Talk about their day, go workout, eat dinner watch TV, Go to bed because they had a long day... But what if I wanted to go somewhere. I am still awake. 

And Repeat. That was my first week. Stressful right? And no one else gets it because it is JUST YOU. 

At first I felt horrible, well, I still feel bad, because I am surrounded by these amazing people, but I still feel alone. Such a whirlwind of complications.

Now, I am into a better routine, and I have a car! I will be working from home today mostly because I have a charged computer now and can do most of these things online now! No travel necessary. 

Coffee or tea shops in the evening. Perfect. 

So the transition for me, was much easier, because I had people to surround me on the weekends, and evenings to have dinner with. I am very fortunate for that. A lot of other people are not. 

For those of you who are not or will not be staying with a family, I suggest going out to a coffee shop, or a tea shop, or trying to find a place with communal tables, or even getting the app meetup, because you can meet hundreds of people who love doing the same thing you do, wherever you are. 

***That being said, if you are alone, always be careful. Never let your guard down, that is important***

Now, moving onto stress, anxiety, and depression. 

And I totally get it, if you are the type of person, and there are these awesome people out there, who go to a whole new place, and settle right in, make new friends, and are perfectly fine, or close to it. Kudos to you, you miracle human beings!!! I love it, and I wish you the best!

On the opposite side of the spectrum, there are others who become very lonely, very depressed, and become very under stress when they have this large of a change. There is also an anxiety that is solely associated with change, which is something I have. 

To Be Continued... 

I am what I say I Sam

I am sorry that my blogs sometimes don't make sense. I am still so new to the blogging process.

Sometimes, as I was telling my friend the other day, I will be typing something, or telling everyone how my day was, and then I will have an overflow of emotion that comes to quickly for me to put into words, so I decide to quit writing and pick up where I leave off the next time I feel like writing my blog.

Like right now, I feel overwhelmed even though I don't have much that has happened today. I mean I did find out that we have to bring my horse out later than I thought we were going to be able to. And it is hard for me because being with my horse is like therapy for me, which really sucks.

I have become so sad already and stressed because of the changes that are happening, any unfortunate news that occurs really makes me shut down. I am weak when it comes to that. I am hoping that being here makes me thrive.

To Be Continued...

Welcome to Syracuse!!!

Well, I feel like I am finally home!

Although I am feeling pretty homesick as I am watching the timbers game from here. But we are doing pretty dang well!!!

Three points for the Portland Timbers against Seattle!!!

So it is the day after the game, last night we met David's brother and went out to Empire brewhouse, and had dinner. Then we were walking him to his car, and all of a sudden, there was a man throwing up on the side of the street. And I do not mean like little throw up, I mean ALL of the stomach fluids.

Anyways, so we are witnessing this man's stomach contents being unburdened unto this sidewalk, I ignored it at first. Then, as he started trying to stumble while puking, I felt sick. And David and his brother were making puke jokes, his brother was pretending to start gagging, and then the smell. UGH!

So I said we needed to leave, and we did.

Then David gave me a driving tour, meaning me doing the driving, through the neighborhood of Syracuse, and where we were living in relation to streets and locations I knew.

Today, I spent time with David's step-mother, Maria. It was so nice to get to know her, as well as have so girl time. Even just getting a pedicure really helped me feel human again. We cleaned in the morning, then I went and tried out some of my new makeup products that I had not tried yet. Then we left to go to the appointment.

Afterwards, she took me to a plaza in Cazenovia? I think. We went to T.J. Maxx, and looked through all of the home section. I found a set of new navy blue towels, and a saying for my love, I think it says, "You have my whole heart, for my whole life".

I also found two presents for my lovely friend who can't always make it out of the house. I miss her so.

Then David called because he had no key for the house. Which made us run back and let him in. I felt so bad. I am adjusting very well to this life. It is not as stressful as I thought it would be.

***

Now that I said that, that night I laid down in bed and sobbed for hours. I called my mom, messaged my dad, my friends. I was so sad. The reality hit me... I was away from all of the people I grew up with.

But then I realized that these people I had come to know these last few months are my family too. I had nothing to worry about. Yes I miss hugging, but I will get used to it just like I made David get used to hugging me, and cuddling. It takes time.

This too shall pass.

Tell The World That I'm Coming... Home

Alright sheaps. We are here. Day five. 

Last night was amazing. I saw my sister, we had deep dish pizza from Lou Malnatis, tried beer from Chicago, and David got to spend time with someone other than me, and vice versa. 

Seeing more family made it easier to be across the country. Plus we hadn't seen each other in over a year, minus a small visit during last Christmas. 

My sister moved to Illinois about four years ago, met the love of her life, and married him two years ago this week. Even though she doesn't like Chicago, I mean we are Oregonians, and let's be real, we all like rain and sun. Two seasons, she still loves her husband, and they love where they live. 

They are ten hours from our new home, so visits will be easier. Weekend visits, and so forth. 

Cooper loved being out of the car, although I was afraid because my sister has cats. There is Gretel, the fattest and grumpiest cat. Then there is Khajii, the awesome cat who acts like a dog, then finally Felix, the cat who I have decided is a British Jewish kitten. 

They all were up all night because they did not like the fact that a giant dog was invading their home. Really though, Cooper just wanted to be their friends, and after all, he hadn't seen animals for three days. 

We celebrated my sisters birthday, stayed up until it was midnight, and then played some birthday songs, until we all became very very tired, and went to bed. Then this morning we got ready, and armed with coffee and cake, made our way out. 

On our way out, we drove through Gary, Indiana and it was barren to say the least. I couldn't imagine the population was more than a thousand people. Almost everywhere was closed down, it was definitely a solve where you know not to get out of the car. 

Now we are about to cross over to IOWA, and that makes me very very happy because I am ready to not ever ride in a car again! 

We have run out of podcasts, the music won't play, we are at each other's throats, and just want to be home already. Six more hours to go!

Operation Maximize

Well, here we are. 

I do not reside in Portland, Oregon anymore. As I set out on my first night, across Idaho, I was watching the cars go by and a panic set in my chest as I realized, "This is it. I am no longer home. I don't have a home right now" 

And then I looked at the man beside me, and the poke-dog behind him, and I knew I was not alone in this endeavor. 

Saying goodbye was hard. Probably the hardest thing I have ever done, but I also didn't realize how much strength I had to get in the car, and drive away, with my mom sobbing in the rear view mirror. 

But when I got to Burley, Idaho the first night, I was so exhausted I couldn't be emotional.

The second day of travel we decided to add another day to our travels to alleviate the stress of driving twelve hours everyday, and no stopping. We already had to kick out idea of roadside attractions. I was extremely disappointed. When we got into Laramie, Wyoming, we went to a brewery and watched the Timbers play on our phones while also watching the red bulls on the television. I had an amazing salmon burger and iced tea there, and then we grabbed wine and watched a documentary on bats. Which was hilarious because I had just found a bat in my horse's stall. 

We then went to bed, and woke up around ten, to me sneezing, a tired and upset Cooper (the poke-dog), and to hunger.  We went to this place called Cool Creek Coffee, and got caffeine and bagels, only to find that Wyomings definition of bagels are Kaiser rolls. But the veggie cream cheese was killer.

Now onto Cheyenne, which we only drove by, but that is fine, because we have a timeline to keep, and on to Grand Island, Nebraska, where we will go to a place called Noodle House, and get pho, because my friend whom I miss very very much, had her first pho last night and I feel the need to celebrate. 

Our stop tonight is Des Moines, Nebraska. I have family friends here, but they are too far north. I also think they will be gone when I am here. 

More to come along they way, follow me on Facebook, Shelby Peabody. 

My Instagram is Isthislove8 

And my snapchat which is always live is pandagirl3. 

Love you all! Sorry this is horribly put together, I am currently in the car and on my phones version of Google blogger. 

Until next time! 

To Good Health

This is going to be a short one my friends.

I am going to be real.

When sad things happen, shootings, bombings, etc. I am overwhelmed with emotion. But that does not mean I am going to post my feelings or opinions to the internet.

It continuously makes me sad when my social media sites are flooded with nasty comments that are full of false facts, and rage/hurt-fueled messages and posts. I may not understand everything that I see, but it hurts me to see people start to tear each other apart.

What we are supposed to learn from these incidents, or what I thought we were supposed learn was to work together and communicate, not fight each other and start pointing fingers.

This is why I have always and will continue to stay on the sidelines on my social media when these situations and things happen.

I was always taught to treat others the way I wanted to be treated.

I really wish that people would start remembering that. If I lose followers, then oh well.

I just want people to remember to love each other and stop hating or pushing blame.

I am going to go drink coffee and cuddle my dog.

Do something today for yourself, even if it is just going for a walk, or doing a headstand for a minute.
Take you time.

Love you all.

Six Days Left

This week has been interesting.

I fell off of my mother's horse, I got very intoxicated twice, I went to hood river, explored five breweries, and realized that in less than a week I will be living somewhere else.

All of reality has really started to hit me.

It is strange, because when I announced that I was moving away, everyone commented that they wanted to see me, that we should get together, all of these things. But here I am, less than 6 days away from moving, and the only friend I have seen in a week is my upstairs neighbor. Not that I am complaining, She is amazing, I am honored to know her, yet sad to leave her.

Anyways, while I am sitting here, eating whole radishes as a lunch, and wondering what I am doing with my time here, I am shallowly breathing because my ribs still hurt from falling off a horse. Long story, but really, everything still hurts.

I did get two days of relaxation in Hood River, the Boy, pooch and I drove out there and spent two days by the river watching sunsets, eating amazing food, and soaking up the sun for the fourth. It was romantic as heck, and also just so reminiscent of what we are going to miss.

We visited five local breweries within thirty minutes of each other, and that I will miss. Good food, good drinks, great company, and beautiful mountains.

But I am so happy to be moving to my man's home where I can learn about his childhood.

I think we often take where we live for granted, thinking that if we have to drive an hour that it is too far. But when we leave, or if something happens, we realize all we have missed from our excuses and busy lives. So if you take anything from this rambling of a post, it would be to just live out each day and explore as much as you can. You would be surprised at how much you're missing when you are only looking at your phone and thinking about what it would be like to go to Europe or [insert here].

Until next time,

Live, Laugh, Love, and make sure you are happy with yourself.

I know I am still working on that one. XoX

Operation Lompoc... Or was it Laurelwood?

Alright. Now onto the hard part of the trip.

The last part of the trip is saying goodbye to everyone I have met here, and hoping that I will get visitors, or messages, or calls and FaceTime calls.

This is the part that makes me saddest.

During the time that I have lived in Portland, I have grown, and made my own friends. But, like people all sadly learn at some point in their lives, friends come and go like clouds in the sky. "Change is the only constant"

I would rather pull out my teeth than have any more change at this point!

But I have made some really amazing connections while living in Portland that I intend to keep from the other end of the states. And if that doesn't work out, then I am sure going to a new university will help me too.

Now, on to a small tangent for a second. I don't know if this is how blogs work, but I think I am going to pick Fridays to publish a new blog, that way we can review the week together. Or if there is something happening like traveling, news like the Turkey attacks, or a Timbers game, because to me everything is important. Then I will post on whatever day I feel it is necessary. I think it will take some time, but I will find a consistency.

It is the next day, and I am sitting watching soccer, drinking coffee, water, and eating yogurt with granola and honey peanut butter.

It is nights like last night that make me sad about leaving portland. After the Timbers match, which we sadly lost a horrible 0-1, we went to Mcmenamins and then decided to walk home. We walked through awesome parts of town, and over a bridge which was super fun, because I love seeing the city reflecting up from the water.

But it also made me sad to leave. I am going to miss so much about Portland. It is my hometown. But, my family is still here, which means I will be back as often as possible, and to watch Timbers matches, and blazers games.

What is that cliche saying? "You can take the girl out of her home, but you can't take the home out of the girl"

Until next time...

Operation Rogue

Alright Portlanders, here we go.

I went to New York to celebrate my boyfriend's brothers graduation from West Point.

We had previously moved our moving date from November 2016, to September 2016.

The reason we were moving in the first place is because my boyfriend's father has a company that he would like all of his sons to run eventually, which means they all need to live on the east coast.

So with that mindset, we embarked on our trip to New York. The third day we got there, we all headed back from the city to his dad's home, where the real talk of moving would begin. He had his formal interview on a Tuesday, and then came back to the house and told me that the possible move date had been pushed up to August 1, depending on how I felt. I couldn't really say no at the time, being surrounded by this loving family, with not much left for me career wise in Oregon. So I said "Yes," and we moved on.

The trip became immediately more intense. More planning, my boyfriend became more alive each day. I could see how much his heart was here in his home. Each day he wanted to show me new places and tell me the history and share childhood memories. I hurt at the thought of leaving.

Which all came back around when the next day he said "What do you think about moving here in July?"

I couldn't process it. The thought of leaving my entire life in one month was too much for me.

I went into our borrowed room and cried.

The rest of the trip is a blur, it was planning. I knew it would happen. I knew it would be good for us. But I needed to go home. I needed a clear mind to think things over.

Which leads me to our planning.

As soon as we got back I wanted to tell our awful roommate that we were leaving him and how miserable he was. But I knew we had to wait. I mean we had already found a three bedroom house, a stall for my horse, everything was set.

I was set for school, I needed to transfer my papers, but that was it. This was my chance to bloom like my boyfriend had always told me I would. I could feel this.

The plan became that we would leave the day after my father's birthday, that way I could spend some time with him, drive to Utah, then Nebraska, then Illinois, visit my sister along the way, and end in New York.
Doing it National Lampoon style! Roadside Attraction list acquired!

Now it is all details. Every day is a whirlwind of information and planning even though we can only do so many things at once. I have always hated playing the waiting game.

More to come down the road! Literally. I am planning on writing a three-to-four part blog at our different stops along the way. Be sure to keep up!

Seventeen

Hello, how are you?

I was about to quote Adele, in some dry humorous way, but I decided to not lose what small amount of followers I have!

Although, this blog is not solely for people to follow and for me to be famous someday, anonymously or otherwise through whatever whimsical nonsense I throw out on this page. I would have stopped a long time ago.

this is for me to put out there what I am going through, and for others to know they are not alone, while my feelings are put poetically somewhere other than inside my own brain, stewing until one dayI have a breakdown the size of Manhattan, (or so I am told).

Meanwhile, during the time I have been away, so many things have happened that I could be writing a book to you right now.

Seventeen days.

Seventeen days until I relocate to the east coast.

If anyone is reading these still, I live in Portland, Oregon. I grew up here, and have lived my entire life in this town or around it. Until last year when I met the love of my life whom I am now relocating with.

Syracuse New york, here I come!

More to follow. There is too much information, I have to organize it all!